There is no net. There is only you.

There are moments in every day when time resets itself. No matter what you did that day, after a certain point, the outcome will be the same. I could have bought the robe at Ganz to wear backstage. I could have showed up earlier and run my tricks a few more times. But no matter what, the show would have started 10 min late and I would have started my act when I did and I would have finally felt good about it. I would have finally felt confident that I could land my flip solid.

And I did.

But the mat just wasn't under my left foot.

And I'd like to blame the stage hands, but I checked its positioning before I went on. Someone could have kicked it, but nothing looked out of place. I just went crooked. Straight enough that I landed solid and strong, but crooked enough that my left foot missed the mat. Or that both feet would have landed but the mat moved when my right foot hit. I don't know. All I know was that my first thought was one I've had before..."Can I finish this act".

If you're an artist and you've never had this thought, consider yourself lucky. Usually the realistic answer is no, but the response screaming in your head is "OF COURSE YOU CAN! YOU ARE FINE! DO NOT BE A PUSSY!" And so you do. I did.

The last time I actually couldn't. At Sea World (my high school football game moment that I will relive forever), I slid helplessly down the pole and had to be carried off stage. Tonight, though, I did finish. I walked to the front of the stage and bowed, imagining the audience giving me a standing ovation for being so brave and strong. They didn't, either because they are German or because they didn't even notice anything was wrong. I can only hope it's the later.

The fucking mat is too small. I mean, it's the same size as the mats I use at home, and twice as big as the one I usually travel with, but still...it's too small. AND I was an idiot for not ensuring that I was lined up with it. The act was going so well and I didn't want to kill the flow.

Doing this show is my dream. I know that might seem lame to people that have worked over here for years, but it's all I ever wanted. Since I started hanging from shit I wanted to hang from shit in Europe. And now, 3 shows in...

Whatever...my foot is NOT broken. Tomorrow I will change my act a little bit, and in a few days or weeks I will add my salto back in and I will make sure I am lined up with the mat before I let go.

Ich spreche kein Duetsch

The biggest sections of the grocery store by my new house are the chocolate section and the booze section. The sausage section comes in a close 3rd. I love it here.

When I was learning German before I left(by Rosetta Stone, which is awesome) I was a bit dumbfounded by the randomness of the words I was being taught. Sink=Spulbecken (not responsible for misspellings in German). When would I have to use the word for sink?

When I have to ask if it's safe to drink the water from the sink, of course, which I happily turned to my roommate and said yesterday, hardly able to keep myself from jumping up and down with pride when I said it. “Can I drink the water from the sink? Does it taste good?” FUCK YES! I speak German so awesome!

“What is your name, man selling produce?” “Where is my mat, stage manager?” “See you tomorrow, people in the cast!” “How much does swimming cost, pool boy?” “I'm sorry, I don't speak German, lady slicing my bread at the bakery.”

I can't understand a word anyone says back to me unless it's a number up to 50. That's when that last sentence comes, quickly, regretfully, apologetically, into the conversation. If someone said, “The boy has red hair” or “The man washes the car” I'd be on it, but sadly, in real life, no one really speaks in the present tense. It's all “I did this” or “I'm going to do that”. I'm all in the moment, all the time in Germany. I'm a now person, damn it! The rest of you are just pining for the past or wishing for the future, but I AM wearing socks and I AM reading a book and I AM learning German RIGHT FREAKING NOW!

So, boo-ya, Bensheim! Behold my powers of the present. I might not speak German at all, but at least I'm not doing it RIGHT NOW.

Debut

12/3/09

I'm five hours away from my first show in Europe. (Unless you count a “gala” I did for Air France in the Bristol Airport where I did some cheerleading/partner acro, or circus school shows. I don't.) I should probably play my cards a bit closer to my chest on this one, but I just can't. I'm freaking out. The most nervous I've ever been must have been before my show at Moisture Festival, when I thought the casting director for Zin Zanni was in the house. It's the only time I thought I would puke from nerves. I didn't puke, and the casting director wasn't in the house, but the casting director from Pegasus Variete was, and here I am in Germany! Whew.

Essentially, this is where my rope act began. When Nils and I went to Germany and Spain forever many years ago, I packed a rope. I wasn't particularly in love with rope at the time, but I was for sure not into tissu, so rope was the next most portable thing. Apart from hanging it from Nils' mom's balcony in Barcelona I didn't really get on it until we were in Berlin and I found Katakomben. It was a great place to train on a very terrible rope—it felt like it was made of sandpaper, rocks and razor blades. However, so am I, so I smashed my teeth together and started piecing together bits of what is now my act. Berlin was the first place I started throwing my back flip off the rope. Back then I was trying to re-catch it. Eventually, I grew to like just landing on my feet. It would be nice to learn a catch, though.

I applied this act to a zillion festivals and either heard nothing, or got rejections from all of them. I didn't give a shit, though, because before those letters started coming in, I'd gotten this contract. Somebody thought I was good! Everyone else could eat me.

So, it's with that in the back of my mind that I try to calm my nerves today. “They asked me to come here”. “They already like my act.” “I just have to do it how I've done it a million times.” Okay, so that's working now, with 4 hours to go. I'm sure in about 3 hours 45 min, I'll be holding back the vom.