There is no net. There is only you.

There are moments in every day when time resets itself. No matter what you did that day, after a certain point, the outcome will be the same. I could have bought the robe at Ganz to wear backstage. I could have showed up earlier and run my tricks a few more times. But no matter what, the show would have started 10 min late and I would have started my act when I did and I would have finally felt good about it. I would have finally felt confident that I could land my flip solid.

And I did.

But the mat just wasn't under my left foot.

And I'd like to blame the stage hands, but I checked its positioning before I went on. Someone could have kicked it, but nothing looked out of place. I just went crooked. Straight enough that I landed solid and strong, but crooked enough that my left foot missed the mat. Or that both feet would have landed but the mat moved when my right foot hit. I don't know. All I know was that my first thought was one I've had before..."Can I finish this act".

If you're an artist and you've never had this thought, consider yourself lucky. Usually the realistic answer is no, but the response screaming in your head is "OF COURSE YOU CAN! YOU ARE FINE! DO NOT BE A PUSSY!" And so you do. I did.

The last time I actually couldn't. At Sea World (my high school football game moment that I will relive forever), I slid helplessly down the pole and had to be carried off stage. Tonight, though, I did finish. I walked to the front of the stage and bowed, imagining the audience giving me a standing ovation for being so brave and strong. They didn't, either because they are German or because they didn't even notice anything was wrong. I can only hope it's the later.

The fucking mat is too small. I mean, it's the same size as the mats I use at home, and twice as big as the one I usually travel with, but still...it's too small. AND I was an idiot for not ensuring that I was lined up with it. The act was going so well and I didn't want to kill the flow.

Doing this show is my dream. I know that might seem lame to people that have worked over here for years, but it's all I ever wanted. Since I started hanging from shit I wanted to hang from shit in Europe. And now, 3 shows in...

Whatever...my foot is NOT broken. Tomorrow I will change my act a little bit, and in a few days or weeks I will add my salto back in and I will make sure I am lined up with the mat before I let go.